How to Handle Disappointment
By William Sherman
Presented before the Eugene Church of Christ on 10-21-04

This past Friday night… Detroit, Michigan… Pistons vs. Pacers. By now, many of you have probably heard about the huge fight that broke out between players and fans in the fourth quarter of the basketball game. It was “one of the ugliest brawls in sports history,” reports ESPN.com, “a fight with fans that commissioner David Stern called ‘shocking, repulsive and inexcusable’." Detroit Piston, Ben Wallace, began the fracas by delivering a hard, two-handed shove to Indiana Pacer, Ron Artest, after Artest fouled Wallace on a drive to the basket with 45.9 seconds remaining. While the officials were figuring out the situation, a fan tossed a cup at Artest, who immediately stormed into the stands, throwing punches as he climbed the seats. As fans became involved, the situation escalated. Pacers players were pelted with drinks, popcorn, and a metal chair as they rushed to the locker room.

"I was in total shock. Unbelievable," said one security official. "You never expect something like that to happen. You prepare and train for an incident like that, but you never expect it." Cameras panned to shocked fans after the fight, including children, who had come to see their heroes and were left in tears.

Who here hasn’t felt the sting of disappointment like that? …The anguish of being let down by someone else? We’ve all been there. Some of you here this morning may be reeling from a recent disappointment. If left to its own, that disappointment can lead to bitterness and disillusionment. Disappointment can wear away at our faith and our resolve. So how should we respond when we experience disappointment? The Bible addresses this very issue. Turn with me in your Bibles to the New Testament, to 1 Peter chapter 4, verse 12-19:

Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed. If you are insulted because of the name of Christ, you are blessed, for the Spirit of glory and of God rests on you. If you suffer, it should not be as a murderer or thief or any other kind of criminal, or even as a meddler. However, if you suffer as a Christian, do not be ashamed, but praise God that you bear that name. For it is time for judgment to begin with the family of God; and if it begins with us, what will the outcome be for those who do not obey the gospel of God? And, “If it is hard for the righteous to be saved, what will become of the ungodly and the sinner?” So then, those who suffer according to God’s will should commit themselves to their faithful Creator and continue to do good.

Ever experienced anything like that in your life? What Peter calls, in verse 12, a “painful” trial—or, as another version renders it: a “fiery ordeal”? From these verses we learn a lot about handling disappointment. First, we have to come face to face with the reality that there are going to be disappointments in life.

People disappoint us, don’t they? I remember when I was 15 years old, waiting in the car for my mom as she was shopping in Wal-Mart, when a scruffy-looking man tapped on my window. “Can you help me?” he said. “My car got a flat. It’s right down the street from here. I need twenty dollars to get it fixed. I’m really hard up right now and I hate to ask for this—I’m just in a real jam. Listen, I promise to pay you back. Just give me your address and I’ll be able to repay you next week.” I did what any naïve and trusting young man would do: rolled down the window and handed him the $20. Now, understand, at the time, I didn’t have a job and my family was living below the poverty level, so this was a sacrifice for me. But, I felt I was really helping out someone in distress. Moments later, my mom returned, and I proudly recounted the story of my good deed. “Where was his car? Let’s go see if he needs any help.” I directed her to the street where his car was supposed to be, but, to my surprise, there was no car there. No one else had even seen a broken down vehicle in the area. I had been snookered, and boy did it hurt. I had extended the hand of trust, and it had been bitten. People will disappoint us.

Sometimes, Christianswilldisappointus. Paul writes to Timothy, in II Timothy 4:9, and says, “Do your best to come to me quickly, for Demas, because he loved this world, has deserted me and has gone to Thessalonica.” Can’t you just feel the deep disappointment in those words? Demas is mentioned in Paul’s letter to the Colossians and referred to in his letter to Philemon as one of “my fellow workers.” He traveled with Paul, supporting him in his missionary work, but when times got tough and the stakes were high, Demas turned his back on Paul and walked the other way.

I grew up as a preacher’s kid and witnessed the best and worst that Christians have to offer. My family was often the center of gossip. Maybe you know what I’m talking about. I honestly believe that idle gossip and hypocrisy in the church has the power to rip it apart from the inside out. We have to realize the impact our words carry. For years, even though I knew God was calling me to become involved in the ministry, I was turned off by church politics. Well-meaning Christians will often undermine the good work that God is doing in His church, without even realizing it.

Life itself can also bring disappointments our way. Have you ever been fired from a job or missed out on a promotion? Ever had your dreams shattered? What about financial setbacks? Health problems? Has death taken away a loved one? Has your heart been broken? Such is life. C.S. Lewis, one of the great Christian authors of the 20 th century, author of the delightful Chronicles of Narnia, also wrote A Grief Observed. In the book, Lewis explores the pain, loneliness, fear, and disappointment he experienced when his beloved wife passed away. “I look up at the night sky,” he writes. “Is there anything more certain than that in all those vast times and spaces, if I were allowed to search them, I should nowhere find her face, her voice, her touch?” It may surprise you to find the same disappointment expressed by the writers of Scripture. Turn with me to the Old Testament book of Ecclesiastes, chapter 2 (read vv. 4-11).

I undertook great projects: I built houses for myself and planted vineyards. I made gardens and parks and planted all kinds of fruit trees in them. I made reservoirs to water groves of flourishing trees. I bought male and female slaves and had other slaves who were born in my house. I also owned more herds and flocks than anyone in Jerusalem before me. I amassed silver and gold for myself, and the treasure of kings and provinces. I acquired men and women singers, and a harem as well—the delights of the heart of man. I became greater by far than anyone in Jerusalem before me. In all this my wisdom stayed with me. I denied myself nothing my eyes desired; I refused my heart no pleasure.

My heart took delight in all my work, and this was the reward for all my labor.

Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done and what I had toiled to achieve, everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind; nothing was gained under the sun.

Life sometimes leaves a bitter taste in our mouths.

And then, quite often, we are disappointed with ourselves. When I was youth minister here, one of the most popular icebreakers with the youth group was to write down your most embarrassing moment, fold it up, toss it into a basket, and we’d try to guess who each one belongs to. One of my own embarrassing moments comes from when I was a sophomore in college. I was crushing on this girl in my writing class. I had worked up the courage to talk to her and, luckily enough, was assigned to the same study group with her. As I was boarding the bus and sitting down, I noticed her on the sidewalk waving in my direction. I waved back. She motioned with her hand and I could make out the words, “Call me.” My heart leapt into my throat. This was too good to be true! I shook my head eagerly and mouthed an “ok” through the window. Only problem was I didn’t have her number. Hmmm. Could she be talking to…someone else in the bus? I sheepishly glanced over my shoulder and noticed some preppy guy sitting in the back of the bus, giving me this big ol’ smirk. I later found out it was her boyfriend. Sometimes we disappoint ourselves—we don’t think, we say something we shouldn’t, we don’t do enough, we do too much, we jump to conclusions, we’re short sighted.

So what do you do when the rug is jerked out from underneath you? How do you respond to your disappointments? Lock yourself in your bedroom? Stop attending the Lord’s church? Move to Canada? Let’s take a closer look again at 1 Peter chapter 4. We can learn a lot from Peter, a man who spent over three years walking side by side with Christ—who both pleased him and disappointed him. Peter had been an eager disciple, defending his Lord at every turn. He’d also been a failure, denying Christ when the pressure was too much. Through Peter’s disappointments, God was able to take him and reshape the impulsive and overly zealous Peter into a powerfully effect man of God. Look at verse 12 again:

Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you.

That’s interesting. Our first response to disappointment usually is one of surprise—“I can’t believe this is happening to me.” Yet Peter says here, “Don’t be surprised.” In other words, learn to adjust your expectations. Life is a classroom. In it, we will encounter lots of pop quizzes and exams. The cool thing about God’s classroom is we get to grade our own papers. You see…God doesn’t test us so He can learn how well we’re doing. He already knows that. He can see into your mind and heart. God tests us so we can discover how well we’re doing. Trials help us to learn and grow. If you are facing disappointment and hardship today, rest assured, God is molding you, shaping you, sanding off your rough edges, so that you will become more and more like Jesus in your character. Don’t let disappointment take you by surprise—adjust your expectations.

There’s more… Look what he says in verse 13: “But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when His glory is revealed.”

“What? Are you kidding me? How can I rejoice when everything seems so messed up? We’re talking about painful trials—fiery ordeals—right?” Right. “And you’re telling me to rejoice?” Wrong, God is telling you to rejoice—in other words, to adjust your attitude.

James puts it another way, “Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds” (James 1:2). Why rejoice? Because different trials have a way of bringing us into a closer relationship with Christ, they strengthen our character and bring depth to our faith. And remember this: God’s tests are never wasted. He never says, “Ooops, made a mistake on that one. My bad. I meant that one for Frank…sorry Bill.” Romans 8:28 says that “all things work together for good for those who love God, who are the called according to His purpose.” Yes, disappointment stings, but we have it on God’s word that He will bring something good out of it, if we will steer our hearts in His direction.

That’s what Peter is getting at in verse 14, “If you are insulted because of the name of Christ, you are blessed, for the Spirit of glory and of God rests on you.” You and I would never know that kind of fellowship with God if we were not put to the test. Our disappointments can eat away at us and give us bitter hearts, or they can bring us to a fuller realization of who God is and what He has in store for us—it all depends on how we respond. “We can say this is terrible, this bites” and turn against God, or we can get on our knees and say, “God, I don’t understand this, but I want to find out what You’re trying to teach me through this. I want to draw closer to You and become the man, the woman, You want me to be. So I’m adjusting my attitude and trusting that You will bring what is best out of these difficult circumstances.”

Adjust your expectations, adjust your attitude, and finally, Peter says, adjust your focus. Peter continues to put our disappointments in their proper perspective. Verse 15, “If you suffer, it should not be as a murderer or a thief or any other kind of criminal, or even as a meddler.” Sometimes our disappointments are deserved. We showed bad judgment, we listened to the wrong advice, we hung around with the wrong friends, and we got burned, as a result. I find it ironic that “meddlers” are listed right alongside murderers, thieves, and evildoers. The term literally means, “One who oversees others’ affairs.” In other words, a busybody. Peter says, if your lifestyle or behavior or habits are continuing to get you into trouble, take a second look at what you’re doing! You may be your own worst enemy, bringing about your own disappointment.

“However,” verse 16 says, “if you suffer as a Christian, do not be ashamed, but praise God that you bear that name.” Don’t be embarrassed if you are going through a financial setback, a family problem, a job loss. How many people secretly blame themselves for problems that they had no power to prevent? How many people feel ashamed because of a mistake in their past? God has forgiven them, they are restored to fellowship with Him, yet, they feel the judgmental gaze of others. Peter says, don’t let disappointment bury you—you can stand tall if you are walking with Christ and modeling your life after His example. You will find acceptance and love in God’s arms and in His family.

Continuing with this thought, Peter adds, “For it is time for judgment to begin with the family of God.” What is he talking about here? He’s talking about God’s discipline. One of the most difficult things to see is how God can use our disappointments to purify us, to cleanse us, to make us better people. Jesus told us in John 15:1-2, “I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit He prunes that it will be even more fruitful.” God wants you to live a fruitful life, and sometimes that means He has to prune away the excess. When He sees you going a direction that is not in His plan, He takes out the pruning shears and scales things back. Why? So you can be even more fruitful, so you can be of even more use in His hands.

The key here is to adjust your focus. Peter asks in verse 17, if judgment begins with the house of God, “…what will the outcome be for those who do not obey the gospel of God?” Then he quotes one of the Proverbs of Solomon in verse 18, “If it is hard for the righteous to be saved, what will become of the ungodly and the sinner?” What’s He trying to tell us here? He’s saying, you think your disappointments are tough, imagine how tough it would be to go through all this without the Lord. Imagine being without Christ and hearing the worst kind of news from your doctor, or from your boss as he hands you the pink slip, or from the policeman who knocks on your door late at night. Can you imagine having nothing to hold on to, no one to turn to, no purpose for living, no peace in dying? Listen, if you are a Christian, you have a loving, caring, compassionate God to turn to in your trials. God can give you peace and stability on the inside, even when the world around you seems to be spinning uncontrollably.

How does God do that? How can He give us comfort, peace, and perspective in the midst of our disappointments? Peter concludes, in verse 19, “So then, those who suffer according to God’s will should commit themselves to their faithful Creator and continue to do good.” We have to commit ourselves wholeheartedly, unreservedly to the Lord. No, life is not always fair, and because of that fact, there are a lot of things in life that will disappoint us. But there is coming a day when God will settle accounts, right the wrongs, and reward you for your faithfulness and perseverance. That is His promise. And because of that we can “entrust our souls to a faithful Creator.” The word in verse 19, “commit” (or “entrust” as it is rendered in some versions) is a banking term, which means, “to deposit.” One commentator observes, “The idea is that of depositing treasure into safe and trustworthy hands.” When it comes to our disappointments, we can deposit ourselves into God’s safe and trustworthy hands. He will take care of us. He will see that we make it through.

Stephen Hawking is an astrophysicist at Cambridge University and perhaps among the most intelligent human beings on earth. He has advanced the general theory of relativity farther than any person since Albert Einstein. I won’t even pretend to understand all his ideas. But one thing I can appreciate about Mr. Hawking is his amazing attitude. You see, Stephen Hawking is afflicted with Lou Gehrig's disease, which will eventually take his life. He has been confined to a wheelchair for years, where he can do little more than sit and think. Hawking has lost the ability even to speak, and now he communicates by means of a computer that is operated from the tiniest movement of his fingertips.

Quoting from an Omni magazine article: "He is too weak to write, feed himself, comb his hair, fix his glasses--all this must be done for him. Yet this most dependent of all men has escaped invalid status. His personality shines through the messy details of his existence."

Hawking said that before he became ill, he had very little interest in life. He called it a "pointless existence" resulting from sheer boredom. He drank too much and did very little work. Then he learned he had Lou Gehrig's disease and was not expected to live more than two years. The ultimate effect of that diagnosis, beyond its initial shock, was extremely positive. He said he was happier after he was afflicted with this disease than he ever was before. Why is that? Hawking provided the answer. "When one's expectations are reduced to zero," he said, "one really appreciates everything that one does have."

Perspective changes everything, doesn’t it? God can take our disappointments and turn them to gold, if we will (1) adjust our expectations, (2) adjust our attitude, (3) and adjust our focus. If life has brought its share of hurts and disappointments your way this morning, the good news is God knows and He cares. Jesus said, “The very hairs on your head are all numbered.” (Matthew 10:30) “Therefore,” Jesus says in Matthew 5:25-26, “I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they are?”

Do you long for that kind of peace and stability? Do you long for the assurance of knowing that your life is safe in the Master’s hands? Then Jesus gives you this invitation: “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” (Matthew 11:28-30)